mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
