I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
