I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
