there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I intend to get homeless drunk
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
