I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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