dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
