i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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