I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
