I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
