i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize