Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
