You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
