Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
