Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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