I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
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