Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
