Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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