Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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