I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
