It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
