im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
