Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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