So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Randomize
