I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
