i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I enjoy the company of your penis
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
