we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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