Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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