sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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