I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
