He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My pussy is not your playground.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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