Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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