The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
