my mouth tastes like poor choices
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
