and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I AM VODKA MAN
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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