Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize