tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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