Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
