I think scott just propositioned me for sex
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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