I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
