i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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