i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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