I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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