wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
