Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize