please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
