I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
