the new term for farting is butt boxing.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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