Duck Duck Cougar?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
