Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
