No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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