I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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