i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
