OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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