Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
not ubering you a puppy
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
