Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
