My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
