I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
